


And She Was Alone

by tea_and_bees



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Angst, Falsettos Secret Snowman, canon character death, how did this end up so long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 10:25:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13098117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_and_bees/pseuds/tea_and_bees
Summary: Trina had always been good at making others happy. She was good at keeping the balance, settling for less than perfect, and of prioritizing her family's needs. She was okay with ignoring herself. But time passes, and things shift and change. Nothing healthy comes from being strong for thirteen years.  Secret snowman gift for @art-hoodie





	And She Was Alone

**Author's Note:**

> My secret snowman gift to @art-hoodie, who wanted a fic about the women in the show and their relationships! I'm sorry I went way to over board and also focused a lot on Trina over the others. Also, you thank you @tea_and_bees, for editing this so many times, and for letting me use her account to post this story because I didn't understand how creating an ao3 account worked. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

**November 15** **th** **, 1967**

“So, I guess we should get married.” Marvin said, uncomfortable and awkward, as he walked into the apartment. Trina didn’t say anything at first, and silently walked in after him before sitting down on their couch, and staring off at the wall in a failed attempt at processing everything. 

Back in January of 1967, nineteen year old Trina had had no real direction in her life. She knew for a fact that she didn’t want to marry some nice Jewish boy she barely knew as soon as possible, like her parents wanted. She had told herself at the start of the New Year that she wouldn’t fall into whatever mold society wanted her too. She didn’t like the standard housewife role her parents wanted her to play. She didn’t know what exactly she wanted, but it wasn’t that.

Despite that, even back then, part of her knew that there was nothing else she could be. She wasn’t interesting, or smart, or charismatic enough to make a mark on the world. Society’s molds existed for a reason; they were easy. Even when she dreamed of something bigger, better, or different, most of her knew that she would grow up and fit right into the life her parents wanted her to live.

“Trina,” Marvin said, sitting down next to her on the sofa, and putting an almost sympathetic hand on her shoulder, clearly out of his element. “We’re gonna come through it.”

She looked over at him, and looking into his eyes, could read him easily. She gave him a small smile, and leaned her head against his chest. He was tense at first, but he relaxed a bit for her sake, and put his arm around her shoulder.

Trina had fallen in love with Marvin the day the first met. He was awkward and got tense whenever she touched him, but he was smart, and interesting. They talked for hours the first time they met. He did most of the talking, but that didn’t bother her much. She liked to hear the things he chose to talk about. 

She knew he didn’t love her though, not yet at least. Even when he let her move into his apartment, it was more because he felt like he had to, rather than he wanted it. She had complained about her parents constant nagging her about getting a husband and it had served as a good comprise. 

Some days they felt so alive and beautifully in sync, and they could talk about their feelings, and she would laugh and love him. Other days, they just went through the motions of what they thought love should be.  Those days were not bad, necessarily. Those days were all Trina could ask for out of her future. She did not need to love her life. The most she could ask for was to at least like it.

Then, life stopped going according to plan. There came a pregnancy test with two red lines. Then she cried to her parents. Then her father hit her. Then she lost all hope at waiting for true love, or for breaking any of societies mold.

“Marvin?” She asked quietly as she leaned against him.

“Yes?”

She wanted to ask him what they could possibly do now, now that he didn’t love her and now that everything was changing, but she couldn’t. She didn’t have the guts to push things, or to ask her real questions. 

“You’ll marry me?” She asked, pulling away so she could look him in the eyes as he answered.

“Uh, of course. We have to.” Maybe they did. Either that or live in partial shame, and face more wrath from their disapproving parents. Trina had already let them down enough.

“Okay. Then we’ll marry.” She said, grabbing on of his hands, and squeezing it slightly. From the look in his eyes, Trina knew that Marvin was even more lost, scared, and confused than she was, so she held back her tears in hopes that he would feel better. She needed to her be strong for his sake, so she was.

“Trina,” He said, standing and moving his hand away from hers. “I’m going to go for a walk. I need to be alone for a bit. To think.”

“Okay, Marv. I can start dinner. I guess I should call my mother.” Marvin nodded as he walked to the door of their apartment. “Marvin?” She asked, still sitting on the sofa. He didn’t answer her; he simply turned to her, seemingly somewhat impatient. “Marvin…” She didn’t know what she was going to say, and her thoughts sort of tumbled out of her mouth without thinking “A lot of the time, I act differently around other people just so they would like me more. I just lie in the way I act. I don’t want to keep acting and lying for the time we’re married. Do you think…do you think you could like me for what I am?”

The question caught both herself and her now-fiancé off guard. He just stood there, staring at her, registering her words for a moment. She was not usually one to spill her real thoughts, or ask too many questions. After one moment too long, Marvin answered simply, “Yes, Trina, of course. I love you for you.”

“I’m sorry about that Marv, I’m sorry.” Trina said standing up, not looking at him anymore, moving towards their kitchen. “I don’t even know what I’m saying.”

“No, Trina. I think I understand you completely.” He said quietly, as if to himself, before exiting their apartment and leaving her alone.

If Trina at the beginning of 1967 saw how she got proposed to, she would be disappointed, but Trina near the end of 1967 was just relieved Marvin decided he could marry her. After that day, there was a wedding, and after the wedding, there stopped being good days. It was always the two of them going through the motions of what love should be, Marvin always resisting a bit, and Trina never pushing too hard.

They moved to a house outside the city, and Marvin got a new, better job at an ad agency. Their son, Jason, was born in 1968, five months after their wedding. After that, there seemed to be a never ending supply of petty things to fight about. There were fights, and games, and a good deal of crying whenever Jason wasn’t nearby. Sometimes, Trina found herself withholding her love from Marvin, in hopes that he’d maybe chase after it. He didn’t. Instead, there were business trips, and Marvin working late nights at the office. 

When he was gone on his trips, Trina made conversation with her neighbors, all of which were older than her. They all seemed to like her, talking about how young she was, and complimenting the way she looked. Whenever Trina mentioned Marvin was on a trip, two of the women would make eye contact with one another in shared understanding. She knew they didn’t like her; they only pitted her. They felt bad that she was so young, so pretty, and so unhappy. They felt bad about Marvin’s business trips and late nights. 

Trina stopped talking with the neighbors. When Marvin wasn’t home, she’d read, alone, while Jason slept.

So he went on his trips, and she stayed home and kept things clean. She made him dinner when he returned. It had been so long that there was some slight chance he could love her. One thing was clear: Marvin wasn’t hers anymore. Maybe he never was. She decided that she could live with him, even if he cheated on her. She didn’t like it, but she didn’t have another choice. She stayed married with him despite it all.

Then there was Whizzer Brown.

Then Trina was nineteen again, in 1967, and had lost track of the future.

* * *

 

**April 12** **th** **, 1979**

Whizzer forgot to cook dinner. A lot. 

‘Forgot’ seemed like the wrong word choice, potentially. It was more that Whizzer didn’t like cooking dinner, and would purposely not cook any just to annoy Marvin. It always spiraled into a fight, which was what Whizzer wanted, but always ended with Trina being annoyed, upset, and offering to make dinner. 

Then, the four of them, Marvin, Whizzer, Jason, and Trina, would sit down and eat dinner together in uncomfortable silence. It was a terrible, repetitious cycle. Trina found herself thanking God that ‘family dinner nights’ was only twice a week, rather than being upset that Marvin made it happen at all.

No one liked ‘family dinner nights’. Not Trina, not Whizzer, not Jason, and not even Marvin. He kept it going because of his pride, and because of the fact that he needed to have a tight knit family.

Every time they had dinner together, they would sit in the same seats. Marvin and Trina across the table from one another, Jason on Trina’s left, which left Whizzer right next to her. She wanted to give Whizzer the benefit of the doubt, but that was difficult. She instantly disliked him because he was the reminder of the divorce. She tried to see past the divorce, to see the person Whizzer actually was. Maybe he was a nice, or caring, or good person beneath that.

Or maybe he was arrogant, egotistical, narcissistic, gold digging homewrecker. It was hard to tell. 

Despite all that, Trina couldn’t really hate him. She tried not to hate anyone, even people like Marvin or her father. She knew that Whizzer wasn’t really the problem. If Marvin wanted men, he’d get men. Whizzer just happened to be the one. Besides that, Whizzer was too happy for her to hate him. His happiness only made her hate herself more. It was her fault she was unhappy. 

She should be happy she was still living with her son still. She should be happy he lived with someone who could bring in money, since she didn’t have a job. She should be happy she only made dinner once a week. If she wasn’t happy, she should leave. If Whizzer was capable of happiness, Trina had to be as well.

“Trina,” Marvin said, breaking the uncomfortable silence that happened every time they ate dinner, “Pass the salad, please.”

The salad was within Marvin’s reach. He was either being lazy, unwilling to reach to grab the salad himself, or entitled, believing Trina should just do things for him. He was so used to her doing things for him that even the things he could easily do, she did.

She may have simply been over analyzing. She passed him the salad.

“Uh, Whizzer,” Trina said, in an attempt sound casual. “Jason, Marvin and I were talking earlier. We were thinking it might be a good idea if Jason went to see a physiatrist-”

“Oh, I heard you fighting.”

“Whizzer.” Marvin said sternly, in the same tone he used when he was mad at Jason. Whizzer glared at Marvin, but didn’t say anything.

“Well, Jason was wondering, um…” Trina looked over at Jason, letting him answer. Jason had been staring down at his food, not eating, simply moving it around with his fork. He looked up at Whizzer now, though.

“Whizzer, do you think I should see a physiatrist?” Jason said, articulately and emotionlessly.  

Whizzer chuckled. “Why are you asking me, Jason?” He asked, smiling. 

“I care what  _ you _ think.” Jason said with extreme seriousness and bitterness. 

Whizzer smiled a bit, and leaned back in his chair. “Well, Jason, I’ve had bad experiences with physiatrists before. But, I suppose they can do some good. You’re mother seems to like hers.” Trina was unsure what Whizzer meant by that, but it instantly put her on the defensive. “So, I don’t know, Jason.” Whizzer was smirking, and Trina knew the games he was playing. His answers were carefully calculated moves with Marvin. It had little to do with what was best for Jason.

As if on cue, Marvin kicked Whizzer under the table. Whizzer turned his head towards Marvin, glaring at him. Marvin gave him a look filled with condescending pity. “Maybe you should go, Jason.” Whizzer said, slowly turn his head away from Marvin.

There was no winning. Marvin and Whizzer’s relationship was built of fighting. Their fights, and the games they’d play with one another, affected everything in that house. Trina wanted to help Jason, and the only thing in her way was Whizzer, and he was too busy being worried about Marvin to care about anything else but himself. She let out a sigh, and put her head in one of her hands, moving around her food with her fork in the other, staring down at her plate. Moments like this, the moments where there seemed to be no chance of any victory, made Trina long for the days where she was just unhappily married to a man clearly cheating on her. It was better than this strange, hellish life with Marvin and his lover, where she seemed to always be at the mercy of their decisions. 

“Actually, Jason,” Trina looked up at Whizzer as he spoke, to see him looking at her. He turned his head towards Jason. “You should go.”

“Really?” Jason asked, confused.

Whizzer nodded. “Absolutely.”

“Okay, I’ll go. If he comes here.”

Trina grinned, actually authentically. “Great! Wonderful!” She pushed her confusion aside for the moment. “After dinner, I can call Mendel, and set up an appointment-”

“He doesn’t make house calls,” Marvin said snidely “Besides, it’s after five.”

“Well, I’ll call him tomorrow and figure something out.” Marvin’s constant cynicism couldn’t take her down. She stood up, taking her barely touched food and pouring it in the trash. “I’ll clean the dishes.” Trina offered. She didn’t know why she bothered to say that; she always ended up cleaning the dishes. 

Jason came over, giving her his plate. She gave him a quick hug, and he didn’t hug back, but just tensed up in her arms. Marvin didn’t say anything as he stood up and went downstairs. Whizzer brought over his and Marvin’s plate, and left in on the counter next to Trina.

“Whizzer?” Trina said as Whizzer began to leave. He stopped to look over at her. “Thank you. For helping with Jason.”

“Oh. Uh, no problem,” Whizzer said uncomfortably. She looked over at him, and he gave her a brief, fake smile, before quickly leaving. Trina sighed and began to wash the dishes. 

Whizzer had sided with her once, but nothing had changed. She was still hopelessly alone. She took some happiness knowing that the next day she would call Mendel, as soon as he opened in the morning. She would talk to him briefly, asking him about coming to her house to see Jason. Maybe they could talk a bit more. 

She knew what he’d say if she mentioned family dinner. He’d talk about how she was entirely too relieved by Whizzer helping her. He’d tell her she relied too much on the mercy of Whizzer and Marvin. She lacked independence. She lacked freedom. Friendship.

She knew that Mendel would tell her that  _ this _ \- the dinners, the fighting, the awkwardness, and side glares, and living with Marvin- had to come to an end.

 

* * *

 

**February 11** **th** **, 1981**

“Hello, darling!” Mendel said as he entered the kitchen, dropping his briefcase on the dining room table. “Sorry for coming home so late again.”

“It’s alright,” Trina said, looking up from the kitchen table and smiling at him. “There’s dinner in the fridge.” He walked over to her and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead before going to the fridge.

It worried her when he came home late. Every time, she could only think of Marvin’s business trips, and couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with anxiety. Regardless of how much she worried, Mendel would always come home, and he’d be tired, but he’d rub her shoulders and kiss her forehead. She never disclosed her concerns, but he always was affectionate enough that her worries would mostly subside. 

“Is Jason asleep?” Mendel asked, as he looked through the fridge.

“Well, he’s at least in his room. I doubt he’s gone to bed yet thought. He’s probably still up reading, if you want to go say goodnight.”

“Kids these days! Always reading or, even worse, playing chess. Such nuisances.” Mendel laughed a bit to himself, and Trina couldn’t help but smile. 

Trina was extremely lucky that she loved Mendel, because she hadn’t had much of a choice in the matter of their marriage. As soon as he had asked her to marry him, she lost her choice to choose. It was either him, or a lifetime stuck in the same house as her ex-husband and his lover, and she couldn’t do it. Maybe the origins of their marriage were a bit forced, but Mendel didn’t need to know that. So no one knew. 

Trina had become used to being alone. She couldn’t talk to her mother about her feelings, who would have a heart attack if she really knew everything about Trina’s life for the last fourteen years. She certainly couldn’t put more weight on Jason, who was only twelve and had been through so much. She couldn’t talk to Marvin before the divorce, and certainly couldn’t now that they were split, even though they had called a truce. Mendel was always busy, and sick of hearing people’s problems by the time he got home. Often times Trina’s problems came from Mendel, but were never bad enough that she’s ever considering walking about them. Still, Mendel would be confused and insulted if Trina suggested she went to a therapist. So, sometimes problems came and went, unspoken, and that was okay. That was how life was.

Whenever Trina felt anywhere near upset with her current life, she got mad at herself. She thought of her father and mother’s marriage, and then of Marvin’s and hers, and Mendel and her seemed like a match made in heaven. It was better than anything she had to compare it to. Besides, often times when she was Mendel, she really loved her life. She shouldn’t complain. She couldn’t complain.

“So, love, what have you been doing while I was gone?” Mendel loved pet names, and he was always calling her ‘darling’ or ‘dear’ or ‘love,’ which she liked. Marvin rarely did that. It seemed like affirmation that he did, in fact, love her. 

“Bar Mitzvah planning.”

“Jesus, still?” He was not aggressive, or angry. Simply dismissive. 

“I’m seeing Marvin on Sunday. I need to know exactly what we need to talk about before I see him, or else we’ll get side track, and fight about something, and it will become a huge deal…

“We’re going to Marvin’s tomorrow.” Mendel said, somewhat interrupting her thought.

She looked up from the papers. “What?”

“For dinner, remember?” He said. Trina sighed, defeated, and Mendel put a hand on her shoulder. “Trina, honey, relax please. Just go to bed now, things will be fine. It’s just a dinner.” She wanted to respond, but decided silence was a better alternative. She stood up from her chair, half-heartedly piling the papers. “I swear, if I’m going to keep hearing about this Bar Mitzvah for the next six months, I might have to kill myself.” He laughed, and Trina faked a small smile. 

“I’ll go to bed in a minute.” She said. He smiled at her, and gave her a quick kiss before going to their room. 

Trina had gotten what she wanted; a predictable, average life, despite the abnormal situation she came from. She wished she could explain to Mendel her issues, about why she didn’t want to go to Marvin’s, or why she didn’t like him being dismissive, but she couldn’t. She kept it all bottled up, and that’s how life worked.

* * *

 

 

**February 12** **th** **, 1981**

A year after he broke up with Marvin, Marvin started insisting on occasional ‘family dinners’, with Trina, Jason and Mendel. Mendel didn’t mind them, and Trina hated them, and so they went. Trina hated these dinners enough as it was, and wasn’t thrilled when she first arrived at Marvin’s apartment and saw two strangers there. She hadn’t wanted to go to, and she wasn’t a huge fan of meeting new people. She currently only consistently talked to four people- Jason, Mendel, Marvin, and her mother- and that was enough for her. Even though she did not want to meet the two new people at Marvin’s house, she didn’t show it. If Trina was good at one thing, it was being nice and polite despite all situations. 

After brief introductions, Trina remembered that she had actually met Cordelia once before, when Marvin was adamantly attempting to convince Trina to hire Cordelia to cater at the Bar Mitzvah.  Though the food she had tried had been terrible, Trina went agreed to letting her cater, mostly for Mendel’s sake, avoiding another argument. Cordelia introduced Trina to her partner, Charlotte. Charlotte was a doctor, and Trina was impressed.

“What do you do, Trina?’ Cordelia asked, earnestly, after Charlotte had gone on some tangent about life at the hospital. Trina didn’t enjoy the attention being suddenly turned towards her.

“Oh, well…” Trina paused for a moment, unsure how to answer. She wanted to lie about her profession, but obviously couldn’t, since Marvin, Jason and Mendel were there. She wanted to seem impressive to these two women. She wanted to be more than she was.  “I don’t work, actually. Mendel is a psychiatrist, which is how I met him.” It was not what they asked, but it did get the topic off of her. Mendel started talking about his job as a therapist, and Trina was saved for the time being. 

One thing that bothered her about Cordelia and Charlotte was how in love there were. They held hands, and leaned on each other, and stole kisses, and joked around. It was off putting for Trina, for reasons she couldn’t explain. She almost wished they loved each other less. 

“Hey, Trina,” Cordelia sat down next to Trina on Marvin’s couch. It was after dinner, and Charlotte, Mendel, and Marvin had all gotten in a discussion that Trina had chosen to stay out of, choosing instead to sit alone. 

“Oh, hello Cordelia.” Trina smiled briefly. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay over here.” Cordelia laughed slightly to lighten the conversation. She had a very nice laugh.

“Oh, yes, I’m good.” Trina felt like she should be embarrassed for worrying a complete stranger by not being involved in the conversation, but Cordelia was nice, and she didn’t feel bad. “I’m just thinking about Jason’s Bar Mitzvah. Making plans and such.” 

“Oh, of course! How’s that going?”

“It’s going okay. I still have a lot of time, I know, but I can’t help but be worried. I didn’t have a great Bat Mitzvah, and neither did Mendel, so I want Jason’s to go well.”

“I get that. Who else is planning it? Besides you, I mean.”

It was a strange thing to ask, but Trina didn’t question it too much. “Marvin and I mostly, which can be…difficult.”

“Tell me about it!” Cordelia laughed again. “Marvin is stubborn, isn’t he? I mean, you’d know better than I would. Jesus.”

Trina laughed a bit too. “Oh, trust me, I know how stubborn he can be.” She chose to laugh rather than actually think of the eleven years she had spent with him. “I was going to talk to him about some things tonight, but I was afraid it would become a whole ordeal! But Marvin is actually much better now than he used to be.”

“Then I don’t want to think about him before!”

“No. No, you don’t.” She sighed. “But yes, the Bar Mitzvah is a bit of a challenge between the both of us. It’s not like Mendel is any help either-” She stopped herself. “I’m sorry, that was so rude.” She didn’t know what had made her be so honest with Cordelia, and insult Mendel. 

“Oh, you’re fine.” Cordelia said. Charlotte came over, and leaned against the couch. “Are we heading home?” Cordelia asked, looking up at her partner.

“Yeah. We’ve both got to wake up early tomorrow.” Charlotte said, grabbing Cordelia’s hand as she stood up.

“Well, Trina, good luck with the Bar Mitzvah. Come by if you ever need any help. We’re one apartment to the left of Marv.” Cordelia and Charlotte then said their goodbyes to everyone else, and left. Trina and Mendel left soon after them, leaving Jason over for the weekend.

“What did you of Marv’s neighbors?” Trina asked her husband on the car ride home, looking out the window at passing streetlights.

“I like them. Good for Marvin to have friends like him, you know?”

Trina nodded, even though Mendel wasn’t looking at him. The two drove silently home, Trina’s eyes locked on passing streetlights.

* * *

  **April 9** **th** **, 1981**

“Trina,” Mendel said, exhausted with the conversation. “It doesn’t affect us, sweetie. You need to let go. You can’t let yourself get so hung up on other people’s business.”

Mendel paced the living room and Trina was sitting on the sofa in her workout clothes. It was a bit embarrassing to have such a serious conversation with her husband dressed the way she was.  She had learned earlier that day that Whizzer and Marvin were back together after having a pleasant chat with Cordelia over the phone, and had worked out in order to get her mind off of the issue. 

“I’m sorry, Mendel. I’m sorry.” She was fairly well composed, given the situation. She had attempted to explain why she was upset as soon as Mendel has come home, but she couldn’t find the right words. He was probably right. She had to give it up. She was just being irrational at this point.

“Trina, darling, don’t be sorry. I want you to feel better, not guilty.” Mendel took her hand, and made her stand up from the sofa. He put his hands around her waist and smiled, looking at her eye to eye. “I love you. Everything will be alright.” He kissed her gently, and, though she wanted to talk more, she kissed him back. It made her feel better than talking would have.

Jason was with Marvin that weekend, and as Trina made dinner while talking to her husband, listening to him crack jokes and be insightful and witty, she stopped thinking about Marvin and Whizzer. She was just happy to be around her husband, and she could ignore her past. It wasn’t gone, but it was pushed away.

That night, though, Trina sat in the bathroom closest to Jason’s room, just so she was sure Mendel couldn’t hear her from the bedroom. She felt pathetic as she sat on the bathroom floor, late at night, her heart pounding, shaking, and hyperventilating. She didn’t understand what was wrong with her. Since Mendel had fallen asleep, she couldn’t stop thinking about Whizzer and Marvin, remembering her past, and getting increasingly more and more upset.

She couldn’t stop thinking about how things used to be, back before the divorce while Marvin was with Whizzer. How much pain she was in as she waited for him at home, and when she would look at Jason and wonder what to do. She felt the guilty and humiliation she felt while begging him not to leave her. Then, there was the time when they all lived together, and all she did was make dinner for her husband and his new lover, and try to help Jason and her, and failing. Then, the time right after Whizzer, when Marvin hit her; something she had always been ready to happen, but something that destroyed her nonetheless. 

So the years came flooding back, now that they back together. Maybe it wasn’t her business, but she felt like maybe it was.  

She eventually pulled herself together, for the time being. As she stood up, she felt dizzy and exhausted. She took off her makeup, forced a smile, and went back to her husband.

* * *

 

**September 27** **th** **, 1981**

Trina didn’t like crying.

Back when she was still with Marvin, she had learned how to make herself cry. It was a useful tool to have during fights, but they weren’t genuine tears. She didn’t like crying honestly, and she was excellent at avoiding it. 

She hadn’t cried after she found out she was pregnant. She didn’t cry after her wedding. Not after she learned Marvin was gay, or cheating on her, or leaving her. Not after her father hit her, or after Marvin did. She always held it in around others. It was weakness in a way. She hated when people pitied her. More than that, she wanted to hold everyone else together. She wanted to be there for her husband, or her son, or her mother. 

So, as she sat outside her ex-husband’s current lover’s hospital room, she wasn’t sure why she was so close to tears.

Mendel had had to go to work, and Marvin and Jason were both in the room with Whizzer. Trina had chosen to step outside. She need some air, and some space and she doubted Whizzer wanted her in there anyway. He didn’t like her much, and with good reason. She had never liked him much. Also with good reason, she thought.

Whizzer and Trina were not friends, but they were very similar. They both had loved Marvin, and then stopped loving him, and now loved him again. They had both gone through everything he put them through. They both were living lives that were outside their molds. Whizzer made her who she was, in a weird, awful way. Trina wished she had never met Whizzer, so she didn’t have to live with the memories of the divorce and months that followed. Despite that, she was much happier with Mendel than she had ever been with Marvin.

Whizzer, though he had done some bad things, was a good person. He certainly didn’t deserve this.

She came to one conclusion she should have come to long ago: she could not always fix things. She couldn’t ever make Jason be a perfectly behaved child. She could never make Marvin love her, no matter what she did. She couldn’t stop life from hurting Whizzer, or her family. Life follows no set narrative. It was almost funny; she had long ago accepted that she would live a normal life rather than be anyone special, but life refused to let her. So that’s why she was so near crying outside of his hospital room. Trina put her head in her hands, running her fingers through her hair, trying her best to control her breathing and to stay calm, for Jason, and for Marvin. 

“Trina?” Trina pulled her head out of her hands, looking sharply in the direction of the voice. Cordelia was had just walked into the waiting room. “I thought you had gone home. Are you okay?” She ran over, and got on her knees next to Trina.

“I-I’m okay. I’m sorry.” Trina said, her voice shaking. 

“Oh no, don’t be sorry.” Cordelia looked Trina up and down. “When did you last eat?” Trina shrugged slightly. “Let’s go down stairs and get you some food.”

There’s a café on the ground floor of the hospital, and Cordelia bought Trina a coffee and bagel. “I’m sorry they don’t have much real food.” She said, as the two sat down at a small table. “Charlotte and I actually met here! I worked her before I got into catering, and she’d come here every day and get some coffee. She didn’t even like coffee that much, she just liked seeing me.” Cordelia smiled, and looked around the hospital. Trina didn’t touch her food, staring out into the hospital. “Eat.” Cordelia commanded. “You’ll feel better.” Trina did as she said, eating some of her bagel, slowly. “Trina, whatever you’re stressed about right now, you can talk about it with me. We’re all scared right now. I understand how important it is to talk about things. Don’t just hold them in.”

“What else am I supposed to do?”

“Talk to me.” Cordelia said, then taking a sip of her own coffee, leaning back in her chair. 

Trina sighed, and listened to the noises of the hospital around her rather than speaking. Cordelia didn’t push her. “I had sort of hoped the universe was done throwing curve balls at me.” Trina said, and her voice cracked slightly. She didn’t want to speak. “Do you think he’ll be okay?”

“I don’t know. I have faith in Charlotte, that’s all I can say.” As if on cue, Cordelia’s eyes lit up, looking right passed Trina. Trina looked behind her, and Charlotte was walking towards them. She came over, and sat down next to Cordelia.

“Hey, love. Hello, Trina.” Trina gave her a half smile as a greeting. “Lunch break.” She explained. “How are you two holding up?”

“I’m scared.” Cordelia said quietly. Charlotte put her arm around her girlfriend, and Cordelia leaned on her shoulder.

“I wish I could be more reassuring right now. I can just say we’re doing the best we can, but we haven’t had much experience with conditions like Whizzer’s. I’m scared too.” Somehow, her honesty was reassuring, even if the words she said were devastating. 

“I don’t know what I should think.” Trina said. “I care about Whizzer more than I ever planned to. I didn’t know how much I cared about him until I got the call about him two days ago.” She took a deep sigh. “Everything’s shifting. I’m just trying to stay standing.”

“Trina, you’re such a strong person.” Charlotte said. “I don’t know how you go through the hell you have, and still stay strong. Your strength inspires me. But it’s okay to be weak for a bit.”

“I don’t talk much about feelings.”

“You really should!” Cordelia said. “It’s healthy. It feels great”

Trina looked down at her barely touched food. “Don’t worry about me, you two. I should be the least of your worries. Jesus, what am I going to do about Jason? What am I going to do about the Bar Mitzvah? It’s supposed to be on the 10 rd . That’s in thirteen days. Do you think Whizzer will be better by then?”

Charlotte says nothing. Cordelia instead decided to be the one to break the silence. “Trina. Don’t focus on the Bar Mitzvah right now.”

“I just…I want Jason to be happy.  _ That’s _ what matters now.” She stood up. “Thank you for the food, Cordelia. I should go get Jason, though. Mendel will be here soon. We can talk to him about the Bar Mitzvah.”

“Okay, Trina.” Cordelia said, worried. “Just, please, don’t undervalue your own emotions, okay?” 

Trina didn’t have a response. She was already uncomfortable with how open she had been with the two women already. She didn’t like to talk about herself, especially not now, when she was the least relevant person in the situation. So she didn’t answer, she just half smiled, waved, and walked away.

* * *

 

**October 25** **th** **, 1981**

The Bar Mitzvah wasn’t canceled. It wasn’t happening, either. It was put on hold. 

Since Whizzer was hospitalized, life had changed. Trina and Mendel had forced Jason to go to school still, which Jason hated. His grades were slipping, but Trina and Mendel didn’t harass him about it. Jason no longer went to his father’s on the weekends, on Marvin’s request. Also, every weekend, and some days after school, the Weisenbachfelds would go to the hospital. 

It was a Sunday evening, and Jason had spent the day with Whizzer and Marvin. Trina gone out to lunch with Cordelia and Charlotte, and the three had spent the time talking about anything other than hospitals, or Whizzer, or Bar Mitzvahs. It was a relieving change of pace. 

At the end of the day though, it all came back to the hospital. It was nice to have diversions, but at the end of the day, Trina was there to pick up Jason. She walked up two flights of stairs and through the hallway slowly, and stopped as she saw Marvin sitting in the waiting room.

“Marvin?”

“Oh. Hi Trina.” Marvin looked up at her. He was wearing a red hoodie, and looked completely exhausted. He had clearly been crying, and he had bags under his eyes. Still, he stood up and walked to her.

“Where’s Jason?”

“He’s with Whizzer. He wanted to be alone with him for a bit. I guess I also wanted to be alone too.”

Trina nodded. “I get that. Mendel is out in the car still. I think he wanted to have some time to himself too.”

“Yeah…” Marvin said, sighing. He looked around the waiting room, obviously not to focus on their conversation, which Trina could forgive.

“Hey, Marv, do you need a ride home? You look exhausted, I don’t know if you should drive right now.” She put a hand gently on his shoulder, and he tensed up. She moved her hand away instantly.

“Oh, no, I’m not going home.”

“What?”

“I have to stay here with him. He hates hospitals. Absolutely despises them. He’s got a lot of bad memories regarding hospitals…” Marvin trailed off, realizing that he was saying things he probably shouldn’t. “Anyway, I wouldn’t want him to be here all alone.” 

“They let you do that here?”

He shrugged. “Charlotte lets me.”

Trina smiled. “Charlotte’s great, isn’t she?” Marvin didn’t say anything and instead his eyes started drifting around the room again, lost in thought. “Well, Marv, I have to say, I’m a bit surprised you spend every night here with Whizzer. It seems so unlike you.” She smiled again, trying to keep her words light, more like banter than any actual criticism. “You really love him.”

Marvin turned back to her quickly, taken aback by her words. “Of course. I love Whizzer.”

Trina stared back at her ex-husband for a few moments, unsure how to respond to his declaration of love. She sighed, and smiled. “I didn’t think that was possible of you, Marv.” She said like a joke, even if it was a little too real.

“Trina?” Trina looked at him, and he sighed. “Uh, Trina, I’m sorry.” Trina didn’t say anything, she just maintained eye contact. She couldn’t breathe for a moment, holding her breath with her heart beating fast. “I was terrible to you. And I never apologized. And, uh, I decided a while ago, when Whizzer and I we together again, that I had to fix things. With him, and with you and with Jason-” His voice caught, and he stopped to take a deep breath trying to pull himself together. He was close to tears, and Trina was still unsure what to do, barely breathing. “I told myself I had to fix things, but I always thought I’d have more time. I left Jason with Whizzer alone, and, uh, when I left the room, Charlotte came over and talked to me. The thing Whizzer has. It’s…it’s a virus and-”His voice caught again, and he had to pull himself together before continuing. “It’s contagious. It spreads. Charlotte says that there’s a good chance I have it. But we just don’t know.” He looked up at Trina. “I don’t know, Trina. I’m scared.” 

The door to the waiting room opened, and Marvin instantly stopped talking, and pulled himself together so it no longer seemed like he was close to tears. Jason walked into the waiting room, and Marvin cracked a smile. “Hey kiddo.” He said, walking over to him, leaving Trina still stunned and frozen.

Jason slowly walked over to Trina and Marvin, and looked up at the two of them. “I know what I’m doing about my Bar Mitzvah.” 

* * *

 

**September 22** **nd** **, 1978**

When Jason was nine years old, Trina got a phone call from her mother, telling her that her father had suffered a stroke and passed away. Marvin took three days off from work, and the family drove upstate to her parent’s house. The whole ride up, very few words were said. Jason was confused, and Marvin was distant. Trina tried to remember her last conversation with her father, but couldn’t remember anything distinct. It had been sometime during Chanukah, over the phone. That was all she remembered.

While at the house, Trina listened to her mother, who talked for hours. She sat and listened, saying little. She sat with Jason and tried to explain what was happening. It was his first time losing a family member, and he needed her. The whole trip, she and Marvin exchanged few words. He thought it was best to simply leave her to her own thoughts. Trina didn’t talk to him for his own sake; he was uncomfortable with any meaningful conversation now. 

She couldn’t rationalize her father’s death. She wished she could have talked to him one more time, like all children did after losing a parent. She just wasn’t sure what she would say. She wanted to say “I love you” as much as she wanted to say “screw you”. However, his chapter ended without any declaring of love or hate. It just ended. 

The two halves of her family, both equally dysfunctional and tragic, collided together at the funeral. Barely anyone said anything. Just the fact that that these two sides of her family, Marvin and Jason against her mother, were together that upset Trina in ways beyond the death of her father. They had met before, of course, but never in any situation where they had any sort of deep conversation. This awkwardness, mixed with her own internal conflict with Marvin, and with her father, made the funeral itself was impossible to describe. She hadn’t been home in so long that it almost felt as if she shouldn’t have been at her own father’s funeral. She was an intruder. 

Outside of the funeral, Marvin was standing alone by a tree, lighting a cigarette. Trina walked over to him slowly, in her black dress, and asked for a cigarette too. It made her think of her father, who was a smoker. She didn’t smoke much, but it felt appropriate. 

“Marvin?” She asked, and he looked at her. “Where do you go? On your trips, and when you come home late? Is there…is there someone else?”

He hesitated. In fact, he said nothing. 

That was all she needed.

* * *

 

**September 25** **th** **, 1978**

They sat across the table from each other silently. He was reading a newspaper, not looking at her as she stared back at him. Her breakfast sat in front of her, untouched. She stirred her tea, tired. She wanted to start a conversation, but she couldn’t find the words.

“Marvin.” He looked up. “Pass the sugar please.” He did, without a word. “Can we please talk?”

“We haven’t done that in a while, haven’t we?” he said dryly. “Jesus, haven’t you eaten anything? Drink your tea before it gets cold.”

“We could move away. Out of state. We could try starting over.”

“Trina, no-”

“We can’t have worked so hard for it to fall apart because of one person-”

“Trina, Whizzer is more than just an affair.” Just his name was enough to break Trina’s heart again and again. “Trina, I can’t love you.” He looked at her, his eyes filled with condescending pity. “You’ll come through it.” He sighed, his voice filled in an emotion Trina couldn’t accurate describe. Sadness. Confusion. Pity. Regret. “You’ll come through it, but you can’t go on as if you’re dying.”

“Marvin, you can still love him, but please, stay with me.”

“You don’t want that, Trina. You’re just desperate right now. You’ll realize later that this was the right thing.” He stood up. 

“Where are you going?”

He walked towards the door, and didn’t say anything. “Trina,” he said, before he left her alone. “Thing have been bad but, but, because of this…” Marvin was rarely at a loss for words, but now, though every word seemed fully thought through, he was struggling. “Now things can be better. For both of us.”

And then he left, and she was alone.

* * *

 

**October 30** **th** **, 1982**

“I like the flowers.” Cordelia said quietly. Only Trina, Charlotte, and she were in Whizzer’s hospital room. The room almost felt nice, mostly due to the flowers. Trina had brought a lot of decorations in an attempt to making the Bar Mitzvah feel a bit like it was supposed to. 

“Oh, thank you.” Trina replied. “I love flowers.” She looked around the small room, and tries to force a smile. It was a Bar Mitzvah first and foremost. She always assumed she’d be sad on her son’s Bar Mitzvah because it meant he was growing up, and because she wouldn’t want to let go. That prediction was somewhat accurate; she was sad that he was growing up, and she certainly didn’t want to let go.

“You know,” Charlotte said softly, “when you told me about this idea of having the Bar Mitzvah here, I was skeptical. But maybe this is how things were supposed to end.” She sighed as she examined the room. “I might be a bit overdressed.” She said with a small laugh.

“I don’t think it matters, Char.” Cordelia said. Trina was adjusting the flowers, trying to make everything in its perfect. 

“Trina?” Cordelia had somewhat sunk up on Trina, who was lost in her thoughts. Trina turned to face her. “You are such a wonderful mother.”

Before Trina could respond, Mendel entered again, with Whizzer, Marvin, and Jason. “Alright!” He said, forcing himself to be happy. “Let’s get this going.” He walked over to Trina and whispered to her “Try to make Jason smile.”

She turned to her son, but Marvin was already calming him down, talking to him, and fixing his tie. Cordelia was still standing near Trina, and looked at Jason. “He looks just like Marvin right now,” She remarked. Trina saw it clearly, and nodded without speaking. 

Trina didn’t want Jason to be like the man who Marvin was. The one who lied, and was withholding, who took business trips and came home late, and who manipulated her and yelled. The man that had hit her.

She couldn’t forgive Marvin entirely, but Trina looked at her son and ex-husband, and she was okay if her son reminded her of the Marvin she saw before her. A man who tried to fix things, and who was okay with losing, and who maybe could love. A man who threw a Bar Mitzvah while the man he loved was dying, for the sake of his son, and maybe for the sake of his ex-wife.

Maybe Marvin could be who he had been, and who he was in that moment. Maybe people could change. Memories of years of suffering stayed the same, but the people in those memories changes. People like Marvin. 

Charlotte put a comforting arm around Trina, and Trina gave in. She leaned again Charlotte, and watched as Mendel began. As soon as he started, Trina wanted to go over and hug her husband, and to cry, and to thank him for everything he was doing. She knew he hated the idea of the Bar Mitzvah in the first place. He hated the ceremony, and religion in general, and Trina’s stressing, and the bickering. Yet here they were in the hospital, and Mendel was doing everything. He was doing it for Jason, but he was also doing it for Trina. So she wanted to thank him for all he was doing in that moment, and every moment before. Every hug, and kiss, and pet name. 

She didn’t thank him though. She knew he understood.

Jason began to sing, and Trina looked around the room, so nicely decorated, yet, in the end, still a hospital. The very thought of having her son’s Bar Mitzvah here was deeply upsetting, yet now that it was happening, Charlotte was right. Maybe this was how everything was supposed to end.

She looked at her son, a little over thirteen years old. He was a man now, whatever that meant to him. Trina was not upset because he was growing up, she upset that he was forced to grow up like this.  Marvin was looking at Jason, with a hand on his lover’s shoulder, and a hand over his mouth. Whizzer looked weak, but smiled still at Jason. She felt the same way she felt at her father’s funeral, and the same way she felt that morning with Marvin over breakfast.

Helpless. 

* * *

 

**November 8** **th** **, 1981**

Mendel was at work again. He couldn’t afford to miss many appointments. Marvin had been spending the last few days with Cordelia and Charlotte, and Jason had requested that he went to his dad’s apartment. Trina wasn’t going to take that away from him, and Marvin agreed. Trina didn’t have the words to help Jason. She could only hope that his godmothers and father did.

So Trina was alone. The house was so large, and it felt like she was nothing more than a speck in space. She sat at the dining room table, looking out the window, wondering what to do with herself. Trees swayed slowly in the wind. The world kept going.

It was around three o’clock when there was a knock on Trina’s door. She stood up, and answered, hesitantly, relieved when she saw Cordelia and Charlotte.

“Hello Trina,” Cordelia said, somberly. “We weren’t sure how you were doing, we brought some food. Can we…?” Trina nodded, and let them in.

“This is very surprising.” Trina said, her voice void of any emotion, “I thought you’d be with Jason and Marvin.” 

“They need some time alone.” Cordelia said, putting the food on the kitchen table.

“We wanted to check up on you too, Trina.” Charlotte said, putting a hand on Trina’s shoulder, as Trina sat down at the table. “How are you doing?”

“I’m-” Her voice cracked, and she stopped.

“Trina,” Cordelia said, kneeling to be face leave with her. “There’s no one here you need to be strong for.”

Trina opened her mouth to say something, but stopped, and began to cry. Her body started to shake with her sobs, and she put her face in her hands.

Cordelia hugged her tightly. “It’s okay.” Cordelia began to cry as well. Charlotte kneeled down, and put her arms around the two girls. 

In the bleakness of her current reality, so far from anything her parents would have wanted or any mold Trina had expected to fall into, Trina had a tiny bit of light. A shine of friendship, which was more than she ever knew she needed.

Trina sat in her kitchen, hugged by two of her friends, and let herself cry for the first time in years.


End file.
